The EX Factor

Have you ever been in love?

If you have than you know what this next post is all about...the one you were in love with and broke your heart.

Yes, I am in one of those moods today where I need to write this. I have started this blog so many times in my head and now I just need to put it out there.

I have an ex! Who doesn't?!?! I have one that broke my heart into a million pieces. Again, who doesn't?!?! My big problem is that I can't truly 100% let go of him. In all honesty, I can't let go of him at all.

Let me give you some background on this relationship. I was young (not even old enough to drink) and he was younger than what he is now (say 26). He was amazingly handsome, I am talking WOW!!! And he had everything going for him. And let's not forget, he looks damn FINE in his military uniform...and STILL does. Think career officer in special ops here.

We met online and surprise, surprise, he was being stationed near me for a year. WOOT! Could it have gotten any better, I don't think so! So we met and there was an instant attraction. Probably because I was that young and probably because he looked that damn good in his fatigues. So we went out s friends for a bit, than started dating, than was in a relationship for awhile.

That is when it happened. What exactly happened I don't know and I am not sure if I ever will. He started distancing himself from me, very slowly at first. I am a smart woman and was a smart girl and I could tell from the second that he did it. Being the person I am, I confronted him about it. That is when it blew up in my face and the relationship was over. He wasn't ready for a serious relationship and he thought that I was. Shrug.

I did what anyother person in that situation would do. I picked up the pieces and moved on. I have had some amazing relationships with people since than and heck I am in a great relationship now.

This person and I kept in touch throughout the years. Through his deployments, the wars, his marriage and the birth of his child. I was always a friend he called. I remember one day like it was yesterday. It was mid afternoon here and he called. He was in the middle of a war zone and he was telling me how he had a horrible dream and that I was in it and he was going on telling me about it and I heard a loud BOOM and he told me he had to go because they were under attack. He called back the next day to tell me how they had been bombed and that he was sorry that I had to hear that, etc. You can only imagine how I slept that nite.

Our friendship was growing and becoming more than what I ever thought is could be in the past several years. But I guess that is easy when an ocean seperates you and you know that someone deeply does care for you and you actually know that the other person does deeply care for you. You can even say we love one another. There I said it, I love him and he tells me that he loves me. Scary huh?!?!?!?!

But since coming back to the States, we have become more distant. We are seperated now by hours and we have yet to see one another. His marriage is falling apart and has been for a couple years. He is scared to death that he may lose his child in all of it since he is career and his wife would be one of those women that would make sure that he sees his child as little as possible.

I have found myself on a roller coaster of emoitions since he has been back in the States. From being on Cloud 9 just to talk to him and know he is safe in totally pissed off knowing that our relationship was better when we had an ocean between us. He is my friend and I want to see him but with his marriage falling apart, he hardly ever comes my way anymore.

We had a nice long talk today about everything in our past and everything in our future. He wanted to know about past relationships and why they didn't work out, etc. I told him a lot, maybe too much today. He asked me if I would ever have kids and I told him exactly how I felt in regards to that. That I didn't see myself having children with anyone in my future. He was saddened by this simply because he thinks I would make a good mother. When I asked why he replied with "You have put up with me all these years". That made me smile. I have put up with him all these years and i have no idea why and am searching for the reason there.

He was my first real love. I will always love him and there will always be something between us. I gave him a lot when I was in a romantic relationship and maybe even more as we became friends over the years. I don't think I will ever get over him and I don't think that I will ever have that piece of my heart back that he carries with him every where he goes.

For some reason I can't let him go. I wonder why that is. This is one person that I can't turn my back on and walk away from. I wonder if there is a connection there that i am not suppose to understand but just let it be. I truly feel that we are drawn to one another it is just the timing will always be off for us.

He was speaking of how he wants someone that will complete him and he wonders how things between us would have been if he wouldn't have pushed me away. He than went on to say that he also feels like we would have killed one another as well. Which that statement is probably very true. We were both stubborn people, I know I have taken steps to change that, I wonder if he has.

I wonder if I will always yearn for him and what could have been?? I wonder if I will be able to let him go or if I am even suppose to let him go. How many people go through their lives wondering "what if" about someone who is always within reach, but you can never have them. Isn't that just the purest form of torture?? Or is that the purest form of love??

Will he always be in my life? I have let him go and he has come back to me. He has been set free. I am not his "home" but what am I and what will I allow myself to be?

I truly believe I will always love him and I truly believe he will always love me. Is that standing too close to the fire? Who is going to get burned??