Masks

Don’t be fooled by me. Don’t be fooled by the face that I wear. I wear a mask. I wear a thousand masks – masks that I am afraid to take off and none of them are me.

Pretending is an art that is second nature to me, but don’t be fooled. I give the impression that I ma secure, that nothing bother me, nothing gets to me, that confidence is my name and coolness is my game, that the water is calm, that I am in command and that I need no one. But don’t believe me PLEASE!!! My surface may seem smoother, but my surface is a mask, my ever changing and always concealing mask.

Underneath the mask, there is no calm, no cool, no peace. Underneath dwells the real me in confusion, fear and aloneness. But I hide that. I don’t want anybody to know it. I panic at the thought of my weakness and fear being exposed. That’s why I frantically create a mask to hide behind – a phony sophiscated wall to help me pretend, to protect me from that look from you, that tell me you know.

But I don’t tell you this. I don’t dare. I’m afraid to. I’m afraid your look will not be followed by acceptance and love. I’m afraid you’ll think less of me, or that you’ll laugh would kill me. I’m afraid that deep down I’m nothing, that I’m just no good and that you will see this and reject me.

So I play my game, my desperate pretending game, with a mask of assurance on the outside and a scared child on the inside.

I don’t remember when I first started wearing the masks, but I know I wear them all the time now. My life has become a parade of masks, different ones for different occasions. I will talk to you in my polite, friendly social mask of surface talk. I will tell you what you want to hear, I will tell you what I THINK I should say, but I can’t tell you what I really feel. I will tell you everything that is nothing really, but NOTHING of what is really on the inside of me. So when I’m going through my routine, do not be fooled by what I’m saying.

Please listen carefully and try to hear what I am NOT SAYING, what I would like to be able to say, what I need to say for my survival, but I can’t say. I dislike hiding honestly. I dislike the phony game I’m playing, the phone I am being. I’d like to be really genuine and open and honest and just be me. For once I would like to just be me, to be able to say what I think and feel and have someone say it’s OK to be me. But I can’t, not right now. So the mask stays on.

Who am I, you may wonder. I am someone you know very well. I AM EVERY WOMAN YOU MEET. I AM EVERY MAN YOU MEET. I AM RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU NOW.