Growing Up In A Family Without A Family?

So many people have done this. They grow up in a family without an actual family. Are you confused on what I speak of, than you are one of the lucky ones. If you know exactly what I mean, than you are like me.

I grew up in a family. I have two older brothers, one older sister, a mom and a dad. My siblings are much older than myself so there was no true bond like some have. Don’t get me wrong, they loved me but something was just lacking, and honestly, it has only gotten worse since I have gotten older.

My mother and I are super close. I am very thankful for that. She is my rock that is able to guide me through life in the direction that I want to go. I have always had her support with no matter what I do. I consider her a mother first of all and also my best friend. I have to say I am very lucky with that.

My father was sick as I was growing up. I don’t remember much of him but I am told I was his little girl and that he adored me. What I do remember of him, I do believe that statement is true.

Now you maybe asking yourself, why does she feel like she doesn’t have a family because she clearly has stated that she does have one. If you read closely, the only thing I have stated is that I am close to my mother.

My siblings and I rarely speak. I chose a very different life than they did and I truly feel that they are jealous with that I have done with my life and what I have seen in my life. Does that seem silly, maybe. I have one brother who is on his fourth marriage and has basically nothing to show for his life (yes, I am speaking of material things). I find him to be very selfish and it is all about him all the time. I have seen him suck my mother dry of a lot of money and for that I resent him for it. A lot of things bother me about him simply because he has no respect for anything but himself. My other brother is very close to being institutionalized. Honestly, I think he would prefer to be. I am told that something was “different” about him from the beginning and that he couldn’t help it. I know he could have helped himself by not falling into heavy drugs as bad as he did and now just hardly having he will to get out of bed in the morning. He has been given the world and in my personal opinion has pissed it away. Sure, he may be bi-polar or a manic depressive but there are other people in the world that are able to cope and function while suffering from those. It is just that they want to be helped and want to make a contribution towards making something out of their life. And than there is my sister. She isn’t even worth discussing. Let’s just say that she did a lot of wrong things while my father was dying and took a lot of money from my mom and dad in that time and that is just that. Honestly, if I never talked to her again, I would be 100% happy.

After my mother passes away, my “family” is going to fall apart. I highly doubt that I will talk to my brothers and I know I won’t talk to my sister. There is nothing left. I am wondering if we are too different to be family. My mother tells me that she raised me differently that she raised the others. She recently told me she expected too much from my brothers and the fell way short and must not have expected enough of me because I shot way past what she thought I would.

It is a very weird feeling to grow up in a family that you know there is only one thing half ass holding it together and once that is gone, there will be nothing. I am not sure how I feel about that. Some days I am relieved on others I know I missed out by not having the family that so many others have.

But I do know one thing, I don’t think I am the only person out there with this dilemma.