What If...

I have not been a good blogger lately and I promise that will change, although I will still manage to take off the weekends.

Lately I have been thinking about the one I loved and lost. I know what a horrible thing to sit and dwell on. They are gone, you have moved on and that is that. But in reality is that, that?

I often find myself wondering what would have been. Who I would I be if things would have gone differently. What if I would have made the decision to move to another country leaving behind everything I have ever known at a young age?

I look back on the situation and wish I could do it all over again. I never wanted to be a person to look back on my life and say “what if”, but I am not even in my 30’s and I am having a HUGE what if.

What if I would have become an Officer’s spouse before the age of 21? So many people would have said it would have never worked. But I think they are so wrong simply because the flame that still burns within my heart for the Officer.

Was I attracted to his uniform like so many other “girls” that age? The answer to that question is HELL NO! I know what comes along with that uniform, especially one that is in Special Forces. A lot of moving, a lot of them not being there and a lot of worrying if they have made it through the nite in a war torn country. Even without me having my Officer, I have had two of the three emotions since we have parted ways romantically. That is for a total of 10 years that has to account for something doesn’t it?

With all of this being said, I am sure some of you will question what about my significant other. What about that person? Will I ever love that person like I have loved the one I speak of above, I HIGHLY doubt it. I knew that a long time ago, I am just now able to admit it. Does that mean I don’t love my significant other? No, I do love that person, just not in a love of my life kind of love. Is that heartbreaking? To you, possibly…to me it is life.

Does this mean that I am denying my significant other the love of their life? Now that is the real question. I think I maybe that person and it is sad that I can’t give it back to that person and love them with the passion that I have loved before, but what is one to truly do about that situation? Do I deny my feelings that I have for the Officer and push them deep down inside of me only to make me resent my significant other? It is a topic to tread lightly on.

The few “what ifs” I have covered here in this blog doesn’t even begin to start my “what ifs” on this topic. It very much makes me sad knowing that I gave up something that I feel so strongly about.